It's not even winter yet, normally its Christmas that makes me feel this way... of course, when I am like this I am at my worse....yet my most creative.... I want a piano, I want to teach myself how to make the beautiful and sorrowful music that can go along with lyrics from times before. I will finish this cup and start on the water. Its almost never this bad, it hasn't been this bad in years....years...

Roomie says its a bad habit to start forming, I want to tell her its a supressed habbit....but I won't, its been awhile since I've been asked if I'm ok... the answer is always the same, we both know it, but its to let the other know that we still care.

I'm in suburbia hell with no husband around (not his fault), no dog, no children, no perfect yard and no fucding white pickett fence. My drink is too strong it makes me shudder.... I wish I had payed attention in Korea...
Perhaps I won't finish it.....

A month and a half, a month and a half and I will be somewhat happy.... but in a little less than two months I will have to go though withdrawl again ... so painful///

I want to punch a wall, I want to scream, i want to go out into the desert and cry bloody murder where no one can hear my sobs.....



" I am still your pain "

"God I feel like hell tonight...."