For the saddest words in tounge or pen are those "What might have been..."

Those of us plauged by a disease that causes us to be up at all hours of the night and day tend to live shorter lives. REsearch proves it, people who have insomnia, the disorder which causes a lack or sleep, normaly live shorter lives than the person who sleeps a normal 7-9 hours a night. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I can't sleep is because I'm plauged by thoughts that disturb me. Thinking that the world is going to crap, and knowing waytoo much about it all tosleep. Worrying that tomorrow someone I love won't see the sun rise, or set. Just basically worry worry worry. Little blue pills......where are you......I think I'm going to sleep now.

SO I actually stayed sober tonight. No beer, no vodka, no Rum...nothing. Quite proud of me, nice way to start out my remainder of my time here. I've decided to SERIOULY cut back on my drinking.....to the almost non-drinking. Maybe a few here or there, but no more of this 5-15 beers or drinks a night, screw that crapola......

I'll write more later, but right now.....I'm going to go do something else.

I sit here and drink this Miller Lite when I really want is a bud lite. I feel bad, I think I blinded someone. I hit his beer (for the fuzz effect) and I think the glass that broke off went into his eye. I think the worse thing in the world is; well, perhaps how I treat people. Am I bad person? DJ keeps telling me that I owe none of them anything and to stop acting like I do. Basically she said I just need to stop being nice. Just because I am doesn't mean I owe them shit.....or shite for you non-vulgar types. Yes, I have been drinking Cody......I know you read them just like I read yours, and I will keep in touch, let me know when you decide to tie the knot so I can send a card or soemthing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only crack half of my neck ... .. . .. it sucks. It hurts too. Amougnst other things.
I think tonight I will do a search under my name so I can see what is going on on the internet about me. You'd be surprised what is posted......perhaps search for your name someday and you will be like....how did they know...?

well I leave this note with you...and I say night night...


"It 's not getting what you want, its wanting what you got

So this is how it crumbles...the cookie I mean.

Yes I guess so, life, and endless vicious circle of something....and yet nothing at all.The only thing that has meaning to me I treat so badly I don't deserve it. I miss him, I love him and I hope he forgives me for my sins.

Perhaps life is a bit more complicated than we think it to be, perhaps we think that life in itself should have a meaning. Wouldn't it be the biggest kick in the ass to the world over if there was nothing to "live" for other than to just live?

I think so.

Yes of course people say that without love there is no life. I partly agree. When people say love, most automatically think that it is the the romantic and endless type of love that is written about in smut novels and fantasies by famous writers who titalize our imaginations with graphic scenes of "swelling members" and "pinkish boosms". I don't think that this is the only type of love. I think love for the job, the earth the cause are all reasons to live. Reasons, meaning, purpose. I think the most effective other than love for another , is love for the cause. The cause, whatever it may be. There have been so many causes, like wars, rescue, peace, resistance, life, liberity and most imortant FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

For every sin, a pentance, for every pentance, a grieveance or hardship, and for every hardship there is a sin. It is a vicous cycle that we endure to survive in todays world. There is nothing more violent than the cycle of sin. We live in an eye for an eye world, and yet expect mercy at every door we knock on. We ask for forgivness and yet give none. There is nothing that we can forgive others for, if we have not yet forgiven ourselves for it. For it is much easier to be a hypocrite, than a saint.
Society depicts what is right and wrong in this world. In different countries it is veiwed differently. In the US of A beating your wife to death is a crime....in the middle east a need in some cases, or that is how it is viewed at least.
I still can't figure out what I concider to be a crime, perhaps I will dream on it....

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....excuse me...I'm fat.
I feel so fat right now, I just got back from the steakhouse, yes, that will make you feel nice and fluffy. Very good steak, well, good for Korea. I want to clean my room but ...I'm lazy. Tehehehe.
I got a phone call from a friend this morning and he had to go on emergency leave. His abuela died. I thought I was dreaming, but half way through the day I realized that I hadn't been. I feel bad for him, to learn of something like that on his birthday. Such a cruel world we live in....but then again what ever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or bitter. He was already bitter, I hope this will just add to his strength. Closing time guys, turn off all the lights now....and I'll let you out into the world...

You smile and nod and act like its all alright after you find out who it was that stabbed you in the back with that ten inch knife. I mean what else can you do? A person (or people) you trusted at one point or another, decide to screw you over, and you just sit there and smile and nod after it's all over with because your just not the type to reach around, take the knife out of your own back and launch it across the room into their heart.....because you'd never stoop as low as them. I'd make sure that they were looking at me, no I wouldn't pretend like I was giving them a hug and then jam into them and then act all surprised when they fell to the floor.

I know I wouldn't, I wish I didn't know anyone who did.
Thats here for ya I guess, or is that just life in general ? Is that just how it crumbles....the cookie that is. So the spooty-ness of it all gets to me sometimes, but only because I let it. I shouldn't but I do. There is nothing more depressing than knowing that the depression and the anger and all the bad stress in my life could be easily maintained if I just didn't care. Then if I didn't care I'd live up to my given name, the fridged be-och one. Perhaps life is better that way, perhaps it is, but it is a road I am not willing to take because of the void it will leave.