"Gone with the wind", one of the greatest movies ever made. One of those movies about overcoming the loss of a loved one, in one way or another. Scarlett losses him to another woman, a woman who she makes her "friend". She goes through much, but then again, some of it she brings on herself. Or does she?
One part of the movie which I adore is when Scarlett goes out of the hospital because she doesn't want anymore death. She realizes that her world, the world she knew, filled with privlage, and such is falling apart. Then she runs into Rhet. RB, the one man who understood her, time and time again she turns him down. Then the entire fiasco with Ashley, is it her fault that she falls in love with him, or does she ever really fall in love with him. When she comes to the realization that he loves her, but not in the way that she wants him to. The movie itself has a stong backround, a strong meaning and many subtle underlying tones.

Life is like that I guess, one or two strong meanings with many underlying tones.

Good songs, good movies, alot of memories linked to one or the other or both.
"Why, maybe its because I've always had a weakness for lost causes once they are really lost..."

Is there anything in life that is certain? Yes, death and Taxes, and although both can be avoided for awhile they will both eventually catch up to you and possibly make you pay some type of penalty...like a late fee. There is nothing more certain than those two things, certainly not love, for love is as fickle as the public opinion, it sways like the weeping willow in the wind. Perhaps it is only my experience that love is this fickle, perhaps it is only me who thinks this way, I wish it weren't. At least, I wish I knew it weren't. I wonder how many times I really felt that I would love someone forever, and then realized how long forever really was. There are some people who deserve my love forever, but it doesn't mean that I will give it to them. Sad but true, the story of my life, 'comment triste'.
There are so many songs that deal with love, that link somehow to love, the loss of it, the lack of it, the pain of it and so on and so on. Many of them remind me of someone, who for some reason passed through my life, either ever so briefly like a fluttering butterfly, or sat and perched for awhile like a singing sparrow. The one I am listening to now reminds me of someone who I connected with for so many years, and then one day . . . didn't. "How's it gonna be, when you don't know me anymore...?" - Third eye blind_
Sometimes we just dont know why people entered our lives if all we got from them was pain. I figure its because we are meant to learn a lesson from it all, unfourtanately, it happens to scar some people so badly they take the lesson to be to never let anyone get close enough to hurt them again. On that note I leave, for I must get some sleep, ever so much desired...sleep.

So I was thinking about something quite oddly enough today as I was sitting on a bus in MOPP four with two of my other co-workers...does all this training help at all. Would I really be ready, if need be, to do what was needed of me in a time of need. A repetitive statement I know, but I'm tired, 12's takes it out of me like that. I like to think I will and would when called upon, do my best and my that my best will be enough, if not more so. Well, now tis time for me to try to sleep, I bid thee all adue,

Im so glad that I get to go into work late today, if I had to go in at 1800 I think I would have died. Especially since bunnie boy called to wake me in teh middle of my sleep. Punkfolio. I'm also glad that I'm not afraid of spiders, cause there is a huge one living right outside my window. Its about the size of a Half-Dollar. Its a brown one, don't know the kind, I just know I'm not opening my window for the remainder of the summer, I'll just frezze my butt off with my broken AC on high, . I almost broke my pinki toe off the other night, it hurt like a moe-fo. I jammed it into the closet door and started sputtering non-coherant curses. Thats what I get for leaving the closet open when I go to bed. I hope this rain stops after the week is over. I want to get a suntan. Perhaps I'll just stay as pale as my white half should be. Anyhow, got to go to work. Another day, another 1/2 mile walk in humidity and ickyness in full gear.

For all the things I hate in this world, one of them is the inability to crack my neck or back in one small spot. By the end of this week my back is going to hurt so much I could cry. Stupid 60 extra lbs of gear and rain and humidity and icky icky heat. Stupid training. I see the meaning, and I know that there is method to the madness, but it doesn't help that it still sucks. SO I go off to sleep after my long 12 hour day. I hope all is spooty in your respective worlds.

There are many things that bring joy to peoples lives, sometimes its the smallest things in the world, and we don't know it. The problem lies where too many of those small things get taken away. Little by little they get taken away and your not quite sure why, but you wake up one day and realize that your not quite as happy as you were the week or day before. When you wake up missing something, with a void in you like a rampid tapeworm is in your soul eating up all you consum of "happiness" and it still isn't enough. Those small things are what keeps us going.
The sun rising (or setting) over the ocean, a little bunch of flowers in a desolate area where no other flowers bloom. The laugh of a child, not any child but one you love. The beauty of art, or the serinity of a train ride to nowhere. Small things that make me happy.
They say not to sweat the small stuff, but what if the small stuff is all we have? I miss the small things in life. How I miss them.

Its been one of those weeks. Just turning 20 can be a painful thing...especially when the drinking age in this country is 20.....and that seems to be every GI's pastime, drinking....at least here. I have so many bruises, and I don't know where half of them came from. Oh flippin well. Korea, the land of the morning calm....and soju. I found out some intrestingly painful news tonight, seems as though I cant go a few days without finding out something I don't want to know. Such is life. Such is this life.......at least.

The really wicked thing....is I know it could be true, and it feels so real, but it almost hurts when I really think about it. I'm talking about those dreams we have that sometimes feel a little too real, those dreams that repeat many times, sometimes over a couple of years, or in this case in a matter of days. For the last couple of days every time I've closed my eyes I feel like I have been told some horrid news by the time I wake up, and I want to cry. I want to cry like I've never cried before, but I know its a dream, but if it is just a dream why, why does it linger like it does in my head for days on end?
It doesn't help that I haven't talked to my mother since I've started having these dreams. That doesn't help at all. I think I will call her tonight, if nothing more than to set my mind at ease. Its a Monday, perhaps its the Mondays getting to me........

Love.
There are few things in this world that more people search for and yet few people understand. Its been done each and every way it could have ever possibly been done. From the old days of Kings and Queens, to the days of internet connections from over the miles. There is a wonder thing about love, adn a restaining thing about it too. There is a quote well there are several that I shall include in this blog, for they add to my views on love, but aren't necessarly MY views on love, if you get my drift.
" Love. That was the worry. She suspected that love, though a blessing, could be a confining chain. . . She had read that love could be a trap, a cruel prison, and she had seen peoples hearts brken by the weight of it." ~~ Dragon Tears .. Dean Koontz.
This is a very close explanation of my views on the subject. Perhaps the fluff novels aren't really full of just . . . fluff.
So many different kinds of love too. There are as many different kinds of love as there are spices in the world, types of flowers in the fields, etc...etc. There thats my soap box for tonight.
Take care all God Bless And good night.

To a long lost friend. . .
For there is another life within your own.
I ask of you to take care of yourself since there is another breath breathing. I ask of you to care since others depend on you. Perhaps it was too much to ask of you, to much to ask of someone your age. I ask this of you none-the-less. Please quidate. There is more at stake now, more than your silly pride, more than your pain or glory. This would be the third time you have done such a selfish act. Once is forgivable, even under the right circumstances, justifyable. If there is such a thing as justice left in this world. Twice, thrice? I ask you then how do you sleep at night ? I ask you then how do you live? There is a cold barrier that surrounds your heart, ever since the first time, you have been changed. Yet alas, each time you commit the greavous act, you swear and vow never again...only to look me in the eyes the next time and say "I must....once again, but then never again". I love you for you are my friend but I worry for one day when you wish to hold onto the gift that is so dearly given, I fear that it will be taken from you. Either in punishment or in some wierd twist of fate. I do not lecture you, for you know you are not the only one who commited this act. Yet I fear for you, perhaps one day, I can fear no more.

Vaya con dios ~ por todos en mi vida. Mis amores y mis amigos, que se vayan con dios.

I think one of t he things that kills me most over all things is... I hate it and it hurts like abitch. I am shivering from cold, I am crawling into bed right now. night.

I don't want to go to work today. I miss the civilian life where I could call in dead. . . I mean sick. Soju the spooty spoot-spoot is misbehaving. I had to clip his nails today so he would stop clawing peoples eyes out, yeah he wasn't very happy with me. Lord give me strength, and lots of caffinee......